Who would have known

 

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So to say it nicely, I’ve been feeling like s%&t lately. I already have back problems due to scoliosis so that didn’t surprise me…what did surprise me was the amount of pain I was in compared to my “normal” amounts of pain. Along with that I was extremely tired, to the point of falling asleep while sitting up even after a full nights sleep. Anyone with a newborn and 2 year old will understand why that’s not acceptable. Not to mention other symptoms I had been having such as swollen throat and overall sickness that I brushed away as my oldest just bringing germs home from school. After a MRI on my back and blood work done I was diagnosed with Lymes Disease.

Who would have known.

I was not expecting that at all being I don’t remember being bit by a tick although I do remember having a bite on my leg from something just didn’t know what. So here I am now on antibiotics for a month in hopes to start feeling better soon and regain myself back a little instead of feeling like I’m becoming part of the couch.

Sincerely,

A Lymes Disease patient

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Just a little piece of me

“A light mist filled the air as grey skies lingered on the outline of the tallest buildings in the city. It was a gloomy morning, a morning in which I was waiting upon for far too long…”

So I have decided to release an excerpt from my book in progress. This book has almost become another baby for me (not that I need anymore being I already have 3 including a 4 week old)

But I am holding this book to a very high standard, a standard I know will allow me to produce something great. I am excited every time I complete another paragraph. I am taking pride in my mind, my mind that is allowing me to push all the nonsense aside and gather a couple good words to express the scene I want to portray and story I want to tell. I almost doubted myself, but at this point I’m glad I pushed through the insecurities and uncertainties. I find a sense of happiness and contentment in writing. An outlet to explore and express my deepest thoughts. I am excited to finish this book, and I am determined to do so.

I should be sleeping…the end.

Everyone is asleep, and here I am, awake.

I could have been sleeping an hour ago when I was done feeding my newborn and she fell back into her dreams. But as soon as I layed down and closed my eyes, the first line of my second chapter of my book came to me. I had to make the important decision to either get up, get my phone and write it down, or take the risk of waking up and forgetting it completely. I tried to ignore my mind talking to me but I couldn’t. So I got up and wrote it down in my notepad. An hour later that sentence turned into half a page and the start to the ending of my book all together. I couldn’t turn my brain off, an issue I have usually every day and night. Now I will attempt to fall back asleep before having to wake up in an hour. Unless another sentence comes to me of course.

The end.

S.O.S

I have no idea what S.O.S stands for, all I do know it is a distress call. A call for help. Exactly what I need today.
The “to-do” list in my head is never ending. Some realistic goals, some not, (or maybe just in my mind they are not but in reality 100% possible).
My little man is turning 2 in two months, so naturally my mind begins to not only face the reality that he is getting bigger and no longer my baby. Along with that realization, I also begin to criticize myself as a mother for not having any plans for his birthday yet. Most likely it won’t be anything too elaborate being on a strict budget, having a newborn, and a super small family that makes having a big birthday celebration not even all that necessary. Along with him turning 2, I have had the joy of listening to and experiencing the ear piercing screeches of temper tantrums for little to no reasons at all. My 2 year old is the boss in his mind, and nothing, no one, not even mommy is going to change that. (Until Daddy comes home of course).
On top of that, my newborn is turning a month old this Friday. Another child that is growing up way too fast and making me more depressed. She has been experiencing gas pain and reflux, which mommies know mean lots of fussing, crying, and of course no sleep. My bedtime last night was 4:15AM after about 2 hours of consoling her back to sleep. Only to be woken a couple hours later to start the day.
And to think….I have orientation tomorrow for a part time job I have decided to take on along with my full time job as a mommy. I can only imagine my mood the first week or two, and the back pain I will be experiencing dealing with scoliosis to top it off. But what needs to be done, must be done, and that’s why we are super women ;).
On a more positive note, I have finished the first page of my book, and so far, I am proud already. It’s the one thing besides this blog I am doing for myself, and although I can’t write as much as I would like with the demands of all my children, I am determined to finish it and know once I do, it will be a true work of art. My own masterpiece.

To whom it may concern….

Dear whoever may happen to care.

With my new found love for writing, more so the reawakening of my creativity and desire to write, (along with the encouragement and push from my husband) I have decided to start a book. A real book. A book that I hope to one day be published and read by many. A book that you can’t put down, a book that you have to read “just one more chapter” before going to bed. A book that you take with you to work to sneak in one more chapter during your lunch break. A book that you may or may not be able to relate to personally, but will feel as though you have known the character all your life. A book based off true events and situations that will lead you wondering how they could possibly be true. A book you will never want to put down and will be saddened when you have reached your last page. Stay tuned.

Sincerely,
An inspired writer

A Mind With A Mind Of Its Own

As I lay here listening to their deep breaths, watching the rising and collapsing chest of my husband, daughter and son, I realize why I can’t fall back asleep. Here I am unable to enjoy the very rare moment of sleeping in past 8:30am.

My thoughts have thoughts, whose thoughts are currently taking over my ability to fall into a deep and peaceful sleep with which could lead to visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head….probably not, most likely it would be McDonalds fries and a mocha frappe, but that’s besides the point.

When I first started this blog it was based off the daily life of my adventours, good and bad, of being a mother. Little did I know this would turn into an outlet for when life took a turn and threw a brick at me called anxiety.

But I have decided instead of halting my writing and taking a break from blogging, I would use this as another form of helping myself to realize it’s ok to admit you have an issue (many issues), and no, I’m not the only one. And so far it has been a huge accomplishment and motivator.

So excuse my random post of my wild mind, my kids have not done anything too out of the ordinary lately anyway (surprisingly).

So to end this post I would like to say, I may not have many followers yet, although I still have confidence one day I will. But if I can reach the few I have and bring a smile or even a smerk, a sense of not being alone or misunderstood, then my plan and goal for this blog is working, and with that I would be more than happy.

Everything happens for a reason, and with that being said, enjoy the chapters of my life not many know or get to see. Chapters in which I don’t even know what the beginning or end will consist of, chapters we will read together.

Sincerely,

A mind with a mind of its own.

“My anxieties have anxieties”-Charles M. Schulz

Some days I have complete control; other days are pure torture.

Anyone who has had, or knows someone who has had anxiety, knows how disabling it can be.

As much as you try to reassure yourself, as much as you try to convince yourself that these thoughts do not exist, your brain tells you otherwise, and for whatever reason you truly, whole heartedly believe it.

Life becomes ten times more difficult dealing with the constant battle. Sometimes it leads you to feel helpless, insane, emotionally and mentally incapable of dealing with everyday life. Add small kids to the mix and its almost disastrous.

Of course you try all the self help techniques Google can provide before realizing it’s something deeper than any search engine can fix.

It takes a lot to admit when you have any type of problem, it takes putting aside the feelings of weakness, embarrassment, and the sense of failing knowing you couldn’t control it on your own or just simply make it stop, since it sounds so easy to do, but are quickly reminded that it’s not.

It takes that one moment of feeling like you’ve completely lost yourself, like you’ve completely lost your mind. That moment it starts affecting not only you, but those around you that you love the most but know don’t and probably never will understand.

And when that moment comes, take charge. Regain control of your thoughts, your mood and life by any means possible.

Life is too short, too precious, to be anything less than happy.

Sincerely,

A mind filled with worry.

Welcome to my world….

Hello World,

So I was given some advice to start a blog from the man I call my husband and father of my children. I had no idea of a topic being that personal hobbies do not exist in my household (for now) with us having a 6 year old, almost 2 year old and 1 week old newborn. ┬áTrust me, there are many, MANY, things I am interested in or wishing I was doing/learning about, there just simply is not enough time in the day for any of it with the demands of these little humans. So as I sit here with the 10 minutes of free time I have snuck to the bathroom to have (as most moms do), I decided to think of a topic many can relate to, that has ups, downs and all arounds, and that can even possibly help some of the women who may be thinking “am I the only one?!” So here is my amazing, interesting, full of life topic:

I am a mom.

Prepare yourself for many post about the daily life of living with and caring for multiple kids, products that are life savers for anyone who may need them, and most likely a couple of vents and rants in between about how I must be admitted into a psyc ward….immediately.

I can only hope my fellow mommies can relate and even gain some type of satisfaction in knowing you are not the only one who feels crazy on a daily basis. And If not, at the least, find a little humor in my insanity. Goodnight.